"Conscious Parenting: One Woman's Perspective" by Shobana Nuland, LMHC
As
I begin to consider what I might have to share about conscious
parenting, I am overwhelmed with the enormity of the task. When I
began parenting I was blatantly aware of the absence of healthy
parent-child relationships from which to learn. Certainly there was no
place where one might go to discover how parenting can be a vehicle to
catalyze our spiritual awakening. Sure, there were books and classes
from which to acquire basic communication skills and Dr. Spock was
always there to help get rid of fevers and rashes, but there were just
no models which viewed the family arena as a place to further our
soul's journey.
Even
today I find there are still very few models of conscious parenting. I
listen to both friends and clients struggle with issues so reminiscent
of my own journey as a mother. How do I guide another soul? How do I
take care of my children's needs and not deny my own? How can I heal
mistakes I've already made? How can I bring spirit to such earthly
service?
There
certainly are no easy answers to these questions. What is certain is
that we can learn and benefit from each others experiences. In the
native American tradition it is believed that true power is wisdom that
comes from remembering our personal journey and sharing the gifts of
that learning with others. It is with deepest regard for the wisdom of
these ancient ones that I share a piece of my own journey as a parent.
Like
so many of us in the late sixties, my spiritual awakening had begun. I
was actively studying eastern philosophies and exploring altered states
of consciousness. While adding yoga to my daily rituals, I was
painstakingly removing sugar and chocolate from my diet. Most
significant though was my consistency with meditation, for I feel that
this particularly, was my doorway to expanded consciousness.
One
morning after a deep meditation, as I was walking through my home. my
newborn son's bedroom grabbed my attention. As I stood in the doorway
of his room, my body filled with the energy of unconditional love.
Simultaneously an awareness came from the core of my being, "This child
does not belong to me. He is a child of the universe. I am here to
guide him until he is capable of doing so on his own." Yes, of course
I was his mother and he was "mine" but now the transpersonal was
undeniably true. From that moment on, I became acutely aware of the
genuine nature of what it meant to be a mother. In The Prophet,
Gilbran beautifully speaks to this soul lesson:
"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you."
When
we are given the gift of awareness, I believe we are then responsible
to that truth. Once I received this new knowledge, my relationship
with my children changed dramatically. Although daily routines
appeared to be the same, the "I" going through the motions was quite
different. I was no longer simply a mother to my children, but rather
a soul companion with them. For me, this meant we are here to learn
from one another; to learn about setting and honoring boundaries for
healthy personality development in the context of unconditional love
and freedom.
The basis for much of the work I have done on
myself as a mother has been to discover the many ways I have been
unwilling to allow this freedom. Ultimately, the work has demanded
that I give up control. It has required an on-going commitment to self
that even today, keeps me searching the realms of my consciousness to
discover hidden agendas and expectations that I have of my children.
Once we clearly perceive that our children are not extensions of
ourselves; that they might not necessarily become what we hope them to
be, guidance and nourishment can come from a place of non-attachment.
In essence we are then capable of "letting go".
What does
letting go actually look like? The form will vary, for each child and
each situation is unique. If a child is having difficulty making
friends at school, letting go might require giving up the need to have
that child be popular. It might mean letting go of a need to rescue;
or it might entail letting go of pride in order to clearly evaluate
what it is about the child that might indeed offend others. Regardless
of the specific resolution, what is essential is a willingness to look
honestly at ourselves. This requires examining unconscious motives and
patterns that come from our own childhood. Though not an easy task,
the rewards are invaluable for contained within this exploration are
the seeds of forgiveness and self love.
I had one client, a very
highly motivated young woman lawyer, whose ten year old daughter was
continually "making a mess" in the house. Making a mess consisted of
using household items with which to be creative. The daughter would
take sheets and blankets and build forts with them. She would use
pots, pans and dishes to have an imaginary banquet for her friends.
She would rearrange outdoor furniture to build a city of the future.
And as with most children, clean up time was not particularly
efficient, which created even more friction between mother and child.
As
the mother began to evaluate her own childhood, she came to realize the
rigidity of that environment. Her parents were very analytical and
valued the intellect and order above all else. Using guided imagery to
journey inward, the client experienced both the sadness and anger of
her own inhibited inner child. She realized how much of her creativity
and spontaneity had been suppressed because of her parents' values.
This
awareness made it possible for the client to objectively re-evaluate
her daughter's behavior. She came to appreciate her child's great
capacity for play and creativity. With time, this mother was able to
encourage and even support her child's creative imagination. In
addition, the client began to take time from her busy professional life
to discover her own playful inventive nature.
In observing our
unconscious patterns without judgment, the space is made for healing to
occur. Compassion for the human struggle in which we all share allows
for an honest relationship with our children. The ego's guise of
superiority gives way to the spirit of unconditional love.
My
daughter and son are as different as one could possibly imagine. Their
talents, abilities, needs and life desires are as opposite as night and
day. It has been an immense challenge to honor their individuality and
not make comparisons. It has been equally challenging to work through
my limited perceptions and permit their genuine nature to emerge. My
strength and direction has often come from that truth which revealed
itself to me so many years ago while peering into my newborn son's
bedroom. That event was the catalyst for my doing some very deep soul
searching.
I now know that the task is not to bring spirit to
the family setting but rather to uncover the spirit that is already
there. The soul bond that exists between parent and child provides the
commitment needed to take this journey. The potential gift every child
brings is the freedom and love that come from allowing another to be
their own unique self. To realize unconditional love with your
children is the purpose of parenting.
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For more information or to make an appointment, call Shobana Nuland, LMHC 206-546-5390